I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
