So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
