I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
