I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
