Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
