Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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