So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
