My hand turned me down
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
