So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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