The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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