clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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