he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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