Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
