things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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