But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
