my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
