Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
