Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
