I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
