My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
