he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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