well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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