I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
