I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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