All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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