just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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