But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
