My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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