Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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