I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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