Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
