I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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