my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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