I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
