found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
