i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
