Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
