hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
