So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
