first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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