how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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