saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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