If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
