So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
