just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
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Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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