sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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