i wish there were pregnant emoticons
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
