I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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