I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
