mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
