MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
