Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
