I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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