Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
