btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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